Lessons from myself

 

Oh my, I feel unheard, irrelevant, as if I am not speaking, or as if I have spoken the wrong words, in the wrong order at the wrong time… How come there are so many voices out there doing a better job at it than me, or when I do raise my voice, there are a million well-meaning and friendly people keen to tell me how I am doing it all wrong?

 

Can you feel it? Can you hear that voice? You’re doing it to yourself… That voice isn’t You, it is Ego, who you gave the name Harriet to, when you could first speak.

 

I gave the money to the charities, over and over again, I gave them my wish for it all to stop. And it didn’t work, those fucking pictures are still beamed into my life through the TV and my computer screen. Another child dies, another house burns to the ground, another beach moving to the sluggish rhythm of oil-slicked waves.

 

If you did nothing, the same truths would still be beamed to you. Your actions are not televised, but felt and they will ripple out into the cosmos just as surely as those images get beamed to you in the ad break.

 

Why is it never enough?

 

Because it was never enough. That will not change. Why is this so hard to accept? To act is to be compelled, not to fix.

 

I am a fixer, I realise that now.

 

You are also a little bit egotistical.

 

How do I move from being motivated by my ego to true Service?

 

Let me take you for a walk….

 ……..

 

The dog comes with me into the cave, but then she turns into a She Wolf and we enter into the darkness and descend some dark steps. Out onto a plain, we cannot go forward. I ask her, how do I move from being motivated by my ego to true Service? She says nothing but begins to dig and dig and dig like a puppy with a bone. Down and further down she goes until there is a big gaping shaft of earthy nothing.

 

 I drop down and find myself in a dark room full of electronic banks, switches and lights but nobody there. The Wolf says this is the nerve centre. Of what, I wonder.

 

We walk through the centre, out onto a high plateau above a plain, just like the one I went to first, but I know this is different. It feels different. We drop down a track and onto the ground of the plain.

 

A chamois goat appears and head-butts me. I do not know if it is angry, but it wants me to move. It butts me so I back up against a rock.  I turn and see that it is one of a circle of rocks, placed deliberately, at the foot of the mountain. The Chamois say to me through her eyes that this is where I am meant to be. I ask her, you mean to answer how I can move from being motivated by my ego to true Service?

 

I jump up onto the rocks and look down into the circle and I see that it is a crucible, waiting to be fertilised. I fertilise it, I see the drops of seed touching the ground and flowers and grasses spring up.

 

The first little death

 

The Chamois says Go! Run!

 

I run and run, the grasses and flowers suddenly shoot up all around me as I run, under my feet, all around me, the fertility and abundance is spreading all around me, rolling up the barren mountainside and plain all around me.

 

I come to a cliff and under it is a family of humans. The man and woman come to me and I ask them again; how do I move from being motivated by my ego to true Service? They strip me naked and then give me a smock made of goat hide. It has wide shoulders and slits for my head and arms. It smells of Goat and scratches my naked skin. They tell me to lie down.

 

I lie down and all the family come to gather around me. The woman looks at me with love in her deep eyes. The man asks me, are you ready? I do not know for what. I don’t move. He punctures the vein in my neck and as I hold the woman’s gaze, my blood leaves my body and soaks into the ground.

 

The second little death

 

I seep into the ground with my blood. I lie, warm and dark in the Earth, holding, waiting, waiting for something. There is nothing. Then I feel my whole body being taken away from me by tiny creatures, a piece at a time, until I am everywhere.

 

The third little death

 

I soar up out of the Earth and hover above the whole plain, bodiless.

 

I see in the distance the ocean and I fly to it and when I get there I return into my body and Dolphin is there and I ask him; how do I move from being motivated by my ego to true Service? I leap onto his back and, naked once again I swim with him. I feel the water over my body and we swim and swim and swim. I feel such delight and joy to be so dolphin-like and free in the water. I feel so elemental and free.

 

After a long distance, we arrive at a craggy island. Dolphin says for me to climb up. As I go ashore, a cormorant shits on me and tries to attack me. I ask him the same question: how do I move from being motivated by my ego to true Service?I realise I have kept my Goatskin, so I put it on and walk further up the cliff edge, up onto the soft bouncy grass and the cormorant leaves me alone.

 

When I am at the top, I lie down once more on the soft grass and I see a daisy who I eat. I feel it going down into my body and I turn into a daisy. Standing in the breeze, I am the flower and I am the Goatskinned human.

 

Shewolf tells me it is time to come back. I retrace the long journey; back through the ocean, over the plain, up the mountain, through the nerve centre and back up the tunnel, onto the first plain and into the cave.

 

…….

 

Do you see now?

 

Yes, I see. I know now. Thank you. The Wolf and the Stones, the Goat and the Humans, the Dolphin and the Cormorant and the Daisy have weaved their magic.

 

I can still feel the scratchy goatskin against my shoulders.

 

 

 

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